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back from kamp.

totally bittersweet.

i love :: the pictures, how everything reminds me of a kanakuk story, that wiffle is mispelled in the beloved "wHiffle" cheer, that i wear what i wear at kamp year round, that tiedye is cool again (because i have a ton of it now haha), that make-up and "getting ready" have become an after thought, giving a "frontal" hug makes me think twice, my renewed appreciation for air conditioning, randomly breaking out in cheers while walking around, K-WILD (and the mudd), the pitchy national anthem sang at flag, soapies, dancing like no one's watching aka. ugly dancing aka. my normal dancing, getting out of the shower and no immediately being drenched with sweat, etc, etc, etc...

i miss :: being at kamp, my kokomo, all my kampy mckampersons (1st, 2nd, and 3rd generations), always being on the lookout for the scraper game, kankuk peer pressure, shaving parties, k-rated-ness, BLUEBERRY FLUFF, replacing every "c" with the letter "k", the nurses thinking i am a kamper (despite the obvious watch i am waving in their face haha), backwoods cheers, my answer to all the typical questions (what time is it) "time for you to get a watch! but you can't! cause you're a camper! OHH!", "socks and tennis shoes", "yes, you have to go to social", or the never fail "uhh...idunno...", FOB, being cool because of being weird, kamper watching during social, porch talks, scheduled quiet times, fellowshipping with the staff, calling red kool-aid "red juice" and purple gatorade "purple drink", all the other traditions and memories...

i'm excited for :: seeing my friends, holding and being held accountable, the ways God used and is using and will use me this year, His plans for me, creating art again, being a leader on the tennis team and in the art department, investing in the lives around me, and sooo much more...

but here's the catch. kanakuk was my oasis. correction :: kanakuk IS my oasis.

it's my happy la-la-land where i don't have to put up with all the everything back home and up at school that flies around my life like oversized hummingbirds hopped up on steroids and over the drinking limit. there is just so much craziness in the real world. i feel like i can't keep up with it all. and as soon as i take my eye off one thing my life/hummingbird, it just knocks something over. sometimes creating a domino effect (i.e. my last year).

whenever i took a time off from kamp, it was always a little bittersweet. i enjoyed being able to keep in contact with the outside world, but i would always find that some little hummingbirds were running amuck and reeking havoc. so coming home was like got bombarded. from the moment i walked in the door, most things were right where i had left them (unorganized and unfinished), others completed, but then some that i originally had completed or that had been unaccounted popped up out of nowhere. right when i had forgotten about all the stuff that is going on, God would give me a slap in the face reminder to wake me up to the real world...

which leads me to a new insight :: as much as i tell myself and others that change does not scare/bother me. it does :: as confident and brave and independent i want to be and act like i am. God always finds a way to bring me back to my knees, relying on Him :: as much as i think i have a handle on things. i don't... i am not big enough. i can't control it all. i can try my darnest, but, in the end, those stupid little hummingbirds are going to escape my grip and create chaos. so. rather than running from it. or pretending its not there. i can face it head on. finding my strength in Him. finding my security in Him. finding my satisfaction, affirmation, desire, trust all in Him.

it's really easy to tell people to do that. but when you're faced with adversity in your own life, it feels like a whole other story (when it really isn't). last summer when i was leaving kamp, i remember calling up my roommate and telling her how God taught me so much about his provision. to not freak out. He's got me. He's in control. don't worry... i remember telling her how i was anxious about that because i just had this feeling deep in my gut that something huge was going to happen... for the past 6 months i've thought it came down to the struggle with my knee, friends, transferring scare, professor and parents issue.

but. i guess here is where i humble myself and ask for prayer. because. that feeling in my heart is still there. and as much as i want to play it off as being nervous. i think anxious or fearful are more accurate. and as much as i know about what God says about both of those emotions, and to trust in Him alone, i find Him having to pull me along as i drag my heels. so. i don't really know who all is reading this, but if you would keep my family and i in your prayers, i would very much appreciate it. there will be more details to come, but right now alot of stuff is just up in the air. and until it is all resolved according to His will.

:: God is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. therefore [i] will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
:: there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. the LORD Almighty is with [me]; the God of Jacob is [my] fortress.
:: come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought to the earth. he makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
:: "be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, i will be exalted in the earth." the LORD Almighty is with [me]; the God of Jacob is [my] fortress
:: psalm 46 ::

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let me start out by confessing :: i have never been so jealous of anything than i have been with seeing my friends and campers from 1st term post pictures and other shananigans from Kanakuk. good grief. what i would do to be there... (just a disclaimer, i may have been equally jealous with other instances... i.e. my cousin getting my dream car for her graduation... no. fair.) anyone who has known me for basically any amount of time will know that kanakuk has made a dramatic impact on my life and my testimony. i can safely say that i would not be NEAR the same person as i am today without it.

i went to kamp my first year after my sophomore year of high school. i always feel bad saying it, because i know that other people have endured much worse, for much longer, but, those first two years of high school were tough. (if you want to know the details, i.e. my testimony, i would be more than happy to share it with you. i love sharing it. it has made me who i am today without a doubt. i just would rather sit down and talk rather than writing it out just yet...) anywho. basically, by the time kamp rolled around, my Bible, or anything that reminded me of this "relationship" i was supposed to have with this Jesus person, were securely tucked up on a shelf in my closet hidden in a rubbermaid box. i didn't want to see it. i didn't want to be reminded of it. i didn't buy it.

this Jesus guy. what of him? i won't deny that he exists. sure. its pretty hard to deny, especially when you go to a Christian school. but. i don't have to believe Him. i mean. does anybody seriously believe what they're reading in the Bible?! He has everything in control? thats bull. look at my life. if there is any "control" here, He doesn't have it. maybe He handed it off. i don't know. and i don't care.

that was basically my mentality... going to KCC, to me, was a joke. i put on a mask every day. and no one knew what was really happening in my heart. i tricked them. and was proud of it. i could answer all questions in Bible class, and if you ask me to pray before class, sure, i'll do it. but i won't mean it. who could? you're praying to the air...

i don't know what got me to kanakuk... probably all the ranting and raving of my cousins that were avid kampers, but i know that it had nothing to do with the "christian" part, and everything to do with the "athletic" part. however. in those short 2 weeks. God broke me down. see. kanakuk is this place where, there aren't any masks. it doesn't matter how stubborn you are about keeping it, they get destroyed within one week. kamp was the first place i told anyone about me. not the me i wanted people to know. but the true me. everything.

later in the second week, i chose to get baptized. yeah yeah yeah. touchy subject. whatever. i am FOREVER grateful to my parents that they left it up to me to choose when that was going to happen. it was huge. they weren't there for it. no one from back home was. no one knew that was going to happen. i had gone there for sports after all... i remember my counselor (the one i had gotten the most close with. i called her "booty" due to the large plastic boot she had to wear) asking me if i was sure that my parents would be okay with it. but. it was then that i realized that. that doesn't matter. this is my faith. MY faith. not theirs. it had been theirs. and my schools. and my friends. i knew the answers. i knew what to say... but i firmly believe that every person will have a trial (or many) in their life that puts their faith on the chopping block. you own up to it, or you walk. if it's not yours. you walk. you have no reason to stay because you don't believe it. it had been everyone elses faith, but my own. so when the storms came, i dissolved. but now, this was my public commitment that my faith was my own. i decided to take the leap of faith (thank you kanakuk for such an awesome theme for the summer. haha)

kanakuk again impacted my life in college. that's right. kanakomo kounselor... gah. i wanted that job SO badly. more than anything. literally. if given the choice of backpacking in europe or being a k-2 kounselor. i know which one i would have picked. now. the 3 terms i have worked have taught me more than i could EVER put in a blog. EVER. but. it has made me the "not a girl, not yet a woman" that i am today haha. i will do my best at summarizing for y'all though the learnings that come to my head first. cause again. this blog has gotten LONG... geez.

staff training, '08 :: new things can be scary, but jump in with both feet, He's got you :: become a warrior for hearts. do not be satisfied with knowing the surface level ::

summer '08, term 3 :: let it go. if you try to do it by yourself. you will fail. only with God can we do anything :: being yourself, and being vulnerable, though dangerous, is always best :: once you take the focus off of yourself, and fall into His arms out of pure exhaustion (i.e. day 15), is where you will find your energy, grace, and peace ::

staff training, '09 :: God uses the broken vessels. don't be afraid to share your cracks and chips. no one is perfect ::

summer '09, term 1 :: was tough. i had had such an incredible 1st year that it was nearly impossible not to compare this term to the 3rd term. so. k-flex = kanakuk flexibility. things change. now enthusiastically adapt. haha :: every term God reestablishes this in my heart, everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING!? chea. everything. all those crappy experiences and memories? there's a reason. every single kamper in your kabin and every person you come in contact with each and every day? yeuh, there for a reason. God put them there in your life for a reason... and i will never get over it

summer '09, term 3 :: it's a new day. every experience is different. stop comparing :: God provides. phew. that was a biggie. i HATED having to send my beloved kampy mckamperson's home with the swine flu! i felt so helpless and useless. how can i touch them if they're not here? then on top of that, how can i reach them when i am sent home with swine oh-nine? why would You do that? God, don't you know, my favorite place on earth is that kamp. and then to come back to a kabin with only 4 girls? and i was technically no longer their kounselor? rough. but. God kept telling me. I provide. I will provide. there is a reason!

staff training '10 :: sadly non-existent. i would have given almost anything to be there. but. i did learn alot about God's provision. when that avalanche breaks the glass and comes crashing down on you, He has you. even in the midst of all the confusion and frustration, He is still providing :: therefore, consider it all rubbish for the sake of knowing Him.

summer '10, term 3 :: yet to be discovered. but i cannot wait... seriously. i cannot wait...

who wants to go costume shopping with me? haha

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wow. it has DEFINITELY been a while since i posted on here.
i think i got nervous because i found out that i can see how many times my page has been opened, and well, i was actually expecting something in the teens, only because of a few people that have talked to me about posts or whatnot... so, i knew that people were reading, but satan kind of put in my head that i didn't have anything important to share. or that by sharing something, i would be offending people... or whatever... dumb.dumb.dumb. but. i know that God uses his broken vessels :: lucky for me, that's what i am!

maybe we can have a little catch-me-up in kim's life since the last post or something. but i don't really feel like writing paragraphs, cause, looking at my other posts, my gosh. if i ever wondered if i was wordy, i will wonder no more. if i opened up this blog and saw these huge novels that this crazy person had written, i would just exit right then and there. haha. for real though. if any of y'all actually read through those. you automatically get 5 brownie points, cause i don't think i would have the attention span.

lets see. since i've been home... i realized that i'm very stubborn. i kind of had a relational break down with my parents (last week i think?) where they were so frustrated that i had disappointed them (which, p.s. i would much rather have someone enraged at me than disappointed). basically, my mom kept offering her help to me for like everything, but i took her offers as "kim, you are incapable, therefore, as a 21-year-old, you still need to rely on me"... i was wrong. turns out i do still need help. it was humbling to admit, but, again, as much as i want to be independent, i saw how much my parents, specifically my mom does, and wants to do, to help me. because she doesn't want to see me fail... so. i've been working on embracing rather than rejecting.

i learned that i am much lazier than i thought i was. haha. kinda funny to read, but not so funny after i realize the implications of the laziness... i mean. i always thought i was much more motivated than this. but this summer it's just so tempting to just sit back and enjoy the sun (or the unusually large amounts of thunderstorms KC has been having)

back to the stubbornness thing... i was dead set that RiverTree, my church up in lincoln, NE was the best thing ever. and so whenever i would come home, i hated sundays cause i wouldn't know where to go to church... cause, i just didn't want to go to my parents church cause, it was my parents church. and whenever i went i just felt very critical. well. my heart's been opened and its pretty much just as, if not better than RT (though not in the worship department, RT has got that down pat!)... so. i encourage y'all, if you have made it this far, to follow these sermons on their site... for sure the ones entitled "breaking free, staying free" and "faith is chutzpah" and whatever one is posted from today's sermon... do it. do it i dare you. (p.s. if anyone from the leadership development class is reading this, you'll especially love the sermon from today :: POAB, baby! haha)

here i go again. writing long paragraphs when i promised y'all short ones... maybe its just not in my nature. i tried. really i did. but i just do stream of conscientiousness haha

ive realized :: that watching scary movies alone at night, even if "you're not paying attention cause you're working on art, and its just on for background noise" is a terrible idea, and they are just as scary. and i am still very easily scared.
:: friendships are not disposable. they may not be the easiest thing. but God hasn't call us to live an easy and comfortable life
:: that the kimcam, regardless of how much i love her, always seems to be rebelling against me
:: that i miss tennis... actually. i miss physical activity. who would have EVER thought that i would actually miss coach harms' morning conditionings or weight liftings?
:: sometimes a long drive is just what you need
:: photography outings are fun, but sometimes film cameras can disappoint. i will always appreciate film, but i will always understand why people prefer digital.
:: i am capable of breaking hearts and hurting people. and i hate that.
:: whenever i hear a song that i love, i usually apply it to myself or people or moments. haha if you're looking for specific examples, just ask, i don't feel like making another list. haha
:: that i get nervous which usually makes me run
:: that i don't know anything about baseball
:: i really hate doing laundry
:: that sometimes its really hard not to push someone else's buttons, but self control is something that must be learned.
:: i make messes way too easily, but am getting better about cleaning them up. kind of.
:: that if i want something done, i should do it now rather than waiting, cause otherwise, it just won't happen
:: i stink at mailing things to people, and writing letters... i think i'm compositionally impaired haha
:: that trust and confidence are very hard to gain once its lost, and forgiveness is hard to give -- this isn't always true, and the only way to reverse it is to have your sights set on Christ

i don't really feel like there was a specific point to this post... probably cause i was distracted while writing it (any one surprised? didnt think so.) but hey, that's why i leave things untitled, right?!... well. i'm going to try to get better at writing in here. once a week is my goal. but, keep your fingers crossed...

"in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. these have some so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" :: 1 peter:1:6-7 ::

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:: answer me this ::
why do we act like we are a prisoner of our past and who we once were?
that we are in chains.
forever enslaved to our temptations and sins.
isn't that what Jesus died for?




i mean. i would say it's just me that believes this. but. i know that its not.
the very beginning of that video is a john piper quote from his series on Romans 8:10-17 called, "How to Kill Sin". you can read or listen to on that link... it is a sermon, so it's not short. but. i challenge you to spend the time to listen to it. i promise, it will not disappoint. just a forewarning. most of the rest of this post is portions from that sermon...

Romans 8:10-17
"If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh - for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him."

Jesus said in Matthew 11:12 "From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force." Do you want to enter the kingdom of heaven? Take it violently! But violence against whom - or against what? Listen to Jesus' answer: "If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire" (Matthew 18:8). Do you want to enter life? Take it violently. Cut off your hand or your foot if you must to keep from stumbling. It's a picture of the most radical kind of assault on our own sin. Not the sins of others - our sins.

Lay that on top of Romans 8:13, "If by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live." Do you want to enter into life? Do you want to live? Get violent. Get a wartime mindset. Stop making peace with ears and eyes and tongues and hands and feet that betray you like Judas, and go over to the side of the enemy and become instruments of sin and make war on your soul. Put to death the deeds of your body.

there is a mean streak to authentic self-control. self-control is not for the timid. when we want to grow in it, not only do we nurture an exuberance for Jesus Christ, we also demand of ourselves a hatred for sin. the only possible attitude toward out-of-control desire is a declaration of all-out war. there is something about war that sharpens the senses. you hear a twig snap or the rustling of leaves and you are in attack mode. someone coughs and you are ready to pull the trigger. even after days of little or no sleep, war keeps us vigilant.

There is a mean, violent streak in the true Christian life! But violence against whom, or what? Not other people. It's a violence against all the impulses in us that would be violent to other people. It's a violence against all the impulses in our own selves that would make peace with our own sin and settle in with a peacetime mentality. It's a violence against all lust in ourselves, and enslaving desires for food or caffeine or sugar or chocolate or alcohol or pornography or money or the praise of men and the approval of others or power or fame. It's violence against the impulses in our own soul toward racism and sluggish indifference to injustice and poverty and abortion.

just consider this something to think about for you memorial day... a holiday that we celebrate, as a country, to honor and remember those who have and are serving our country... i challenge you to listen to that sermon sometime this extended weekend, or while you're sitting in your office, or hanging out by the pool, download it and put it on the ipod. because just as we are to be remembering those who have fought and died, consider the casualties we are called to make as Christians. are you willing to make them? do you have self control? i think it is about time we stop kidding ourselves that there is no war going on inside of each of our hearts. which side will you battle for? do not forget :: Christianity is not a settle-in-and-live-at-peace-with-this-world-the-way-it-is kind of religion.

:: MAKE WAR ::

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i think blogging is going to be harder than i thought it was going to be originally... i feel like i have to have something profound to say (which would explain 4 drafts of blogs that are just hanging out right now waiting to be finished... haha) anywho. this time around, i definitely don't have any crazy insights for y'all... but. perhaps a little entertainment?

right now i am supposed to be "cleaning my room". anyone who knows me knows that i hate cleaning. basically everything about it. it is nice when something is clean... i can appreciate it. but. i just can never maintain it. that and packing/unpacking are some of my least favorite things... well, i have been "working" on both of these things since i've returned from cornhuskerville, and been pretty unsuccessful at them both. i just have had no desire. haha until my dad came in last night and said that he and my mom were going to take away my "entertainment" (aka - phone, itouch, mac) if i didn't get it done today... which is of course why i am working on my room so hard right now... yeuhhh. haha

anywho. so. while i was at college my mom decided it'd be awesome to take all the stuff in my room and throw it in my closet. everything from the dressers, shoes, basically stuff i had left at home. talking on the phone with her one day she was like, "when you come home, you need to clean up your closet, it is a PIT!" i remember telling her that it wasn't a pit, then she said you'll understand when you get home... welp. i understand now. haha. but. this does give me the opportunity to go through all my old stuff. so, since i am so determined to get my room all cleaned and finish unpacking, i start looking through a box of cards and letters i have gotten while at kamp or school. because, i mean, don't ALL messes start with disorganized letters? haha yeeeuh.

anywho. this is when my day took a turn for the AWESOME. not only did i find sappy (really, really, really mushy, sappy, cheesy, i-was-literally-rolling-on-the-floor-laughing) letters from an ex and those awesome singing cards, but i also found a birthday card with $20 in it, and a halloween card with $10. most excellent! i have a completely different outlook on cleaning my room now. its all about a scavenger hunt for money that i have misplaced... which. once i find it. i may hide it again so it can make my day later... cause everyone enjoys finding a few bucks in those jeans you rarely wear, right?!

after i call katie, who is also "cleaning" her room, to exclaim my excitement, i got another phone call. this one i was a little nervous about because i knew it was regarding some issues i have been having with my professor/advisor with the area of art that i am concentrating in. no need to really get into the dirty details, but basically, he is the sole reason that would transfer, so we've been "communicating" back and forth (more on the forth, and less on the back) about how we can resolve our communication errors (i see them, he doesn't, which creates another communication error about the communication errors... confusing) but basically. this phone call just helped me make SERIOUS headway with the whole situation. i mean, what's better than the school having actual documentation of his lack of communication? other than the incomplete (or retake of the class) that i am hoping to get -- nothing. haha

anyway. since i am having writers... or blogger's block (say that out loud. its kinda fun the way it rolls off the tongue haha) i figured maybe this would get me over the "3rd post hump"... haha or maybe i'm just not much of a blogger? time will tell friends. time will tell.

and just something i forgot to add on to the last post... i had no intention of that being a sob story. in my opinion. weakness is good. God uses the broken vessels.

2 Corinthians 12:9-12 :: "but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when i am weak, then i am strong."

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if i have learned one thing this past semester it is that i don't like admitting weakness.

maybe it is because i am so independent, or... actually, i am pretty sure it is because i want to be independent so badly that depending on anyone, for me, feels like admitting inadequacy. regardless. it is something that i rarely do :: with the exception of this last semester, although it may take until right now to finally admit it.

it all started with the injury to my knee. before that, everything was going so well... i don't think that i will ever forget that feeling of pushing off my left foot and excruciating pain rush through my leg, but even worse than that was the fear that set in, "oh my gosh. five months of morning conditionings and hard work. ruined." after trying to hit one or two more shots. i knew something wasn't right. sitting out of that practice, especially because it was one of our first times getting to hit our new indoor facility, was killin' me.

i remember talking to my roommate later that night. i remained stubborn, as always, saying that nothing was wrong, and refusing any help that she offered my way, insisting that i wasn't going to go to the doctor because he would tell me that i've injured my knee and can't play. i figured, i could beat the system with the thought process that if i can still tolerate the pain, then i can keep playing, because even if it injures it more, i've already hurt it, and was already supposed to stop, so, its not like it could really get worse.

i continued that thought process through the rest of february, until i got home for the summer. the doctor even gave me approval for the thought process because after all the xrays and the MRI and doctor visits, there was no diagnosis. at least, no definative one. so, i played the whole season on it. blocking out the pain. pushing it down. all the while, resenting my stupid brace. the dumb thing was a constant reminder that i had a serious weakness. i would convince myself before walking out onto the court before a match that although my opponent may look at me and say "weak" i will use that against them. because i am not. i will prove them wrong. there is nothing the matter. i felt like every moment i wore that brace i was screaming that i was inadequate. i couldn't take the heat.

it may sound stupid. looking back, i wish that i'd never let that thought come into my mind :: i am weak.

yesterday made it very clear. i am weak. this past week of being at home made it very clear. i am weak. i am not independent. i am in need...

has there ever been a seaon of your life where everything just snowballs? but. you chose to ignore that it was snowballing. so this huge avalanche is piling up on this glass ceiling that you're standing under. you're watching it all come down but it's not touching you. so you just stand and watch... in hindsight, you realize what you should have been doing was running out from under that glass. its not safe. it can't hold much longer... but there is just SO MUCH snow! its amazing that the glass just isn't breakin-- and then that last ball of snow hits the lands on the avalanche.. and it crashes down all at once on top of you.

i am underneath that pile of snow and glass. i look back at this past semester and it is amazing to me how much my knee injury affected everything i was involved in. i became so obsessed with convincing myself that nothing was wrong. i was untouchable. sure. other people have problems with professors. but not me. sure, other people have issues with grades. but not me. sure, other people transfer schools. but that would never be me. other people have drama in their relationships or confusion in their emotions towards people. but not me.

but here i am. before i came home, i was in awe of all the things that had gone wrong this past semester. but, for some reason that was unknown to me, none of them could touch me. i just sat there looking at it all pile up in amazement. through this past week i have watched the glass crack. water slowly drip in. but this time. i was too scared to move. i knew what was coming. and then BOOM! yesterday. just about to get into bed. took one step without that stupid brace on. and i felt like my knee was about to give out in both directions at one time. i didn't think the pain could get worse. i didn't think the glass would actually break.

i stayed up last night in insane pain until 6am. i couldn't sleep. it wasn't just the knee though. sure that added to it. but EVERYTHING. i knew the ceiling was leaking. i had gotten soaked to the bone with all the drips warning me. as much as i would like to think running would have saved me... i know it wouldn't have. i've been crippled. but i do wonder what would have happened if i would have admitted inadequacy before now. i am reliant. i am in need. i chose to shut it all down so i wouldn't have to feel it, but, i had to know that it would all come back, right?

admitting that i am weak is hard. i feel like its the admittance that i will let you down. i will fail. i will not achieve. i am not the best. i am no where near that. what i want to be is not what i am. i will let you down. which. as much as i dispise saying that, it is the truth. i know i am not perfect. i am inadequate. i am in need.

give it a name :: choosing a title

here's the deal. i am indecisive. anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that. when faced with a decision, although i would like to have a say in it, i always prefer someone else make it. there basically is no exception to this kim-ism.

this blog asks me to title it. but i can't do that... i don't even know what i'm going to say. i mean, i only made this so that my friend could have someone following her (which then i found out i could do from just my google account...) how could i give a page a title when i haven't even written anything yet? that's like titling a piece of my art without having drawn anything yet...

although. come to think of it. most of my art i do leave as "untitled". i know that it isn't the best thing to do, but, i know how much power a title has over something. maybe i do not want to inform the viewer about anything in my art. maybe i want them to feel a little aimless. not necessarily know how to approach the piece, or know what is important about it... many things i create, it does not matter to me if they are read into or not. it can be as superficial or as deep as you want.

although leaving something as "untitled" is actually titling it - technically... i like to think that it leaves the possibilities open. there is more room to explore - both for the creator, and for the viewer... that said. i have no idea what this blog will contain. probably randomness. probably some of my heart. but definitely all a part of me ::to be read at surface level or something deeper :: that is your call. i just hate the idea of boxing myself in with a title before i have even begun. too much pressure. uhg.