Monday, June 21, 2010

:: untitled 5 ::

let me start out by confessing :: i have never been so jealous of anything than i have been with seeing my friends and campers from 1st term post pictures and other shananigans from Kanakuk. good grief. what i would do to be there... (just a disclaimer, i may have been equally jealous with other instances... i.e. my cousin getting my dream car for her graduation... no. fair.) anyone who has known me for basically any amount of time will know that kanakuk has made a dramatic impact on my life and my testimony. i can safely say that i would not be NEAR the same person as i am today without it.

i went to kamp my first year after my sophomore year of high school. i always feel bad saying it, because i know that other people have endured much worse, for much longer, but, those first two years of high school were tough. (if you want to know the details, i.e. my testimony, i would be more than happy to share it with you. i love sharing it. it has made me who i am today without a doubt. i just would rather sit down and talk rather than writing it out just yet...) anywho. basically, by the time kamp rolled around, my Bible, or anything that reminded me of this "relationship" i was supposed to have with this Jesus person, were securely tucked up on a shelf in my closet hidden in a rubbermaid box. i didn't want to see it. i didn't want to be reminded of it. i didn't buy it.

this Jesus guy. what of him? i won't deny that he exists. sure. its pretty hard to deny, especially when you go to a Christian school. but. i don't have to believe Him. i mean. does anybody seriously believe what they're reading in the Bible?! He has everything in control? thats bull. look at my life. if there is any "control" here, He doesn't have it. maybe He handed it off. i don't know. and i don't care.

that was basically my mentality... going to KCC, to me, was a joke. i put on a mask every day. and no one knew what was really happening in my heart. i tricked them. and was proud of it. i could answer all questions in Bible class, and if you ask me to pray before class, sure, i'll do it. but i won't mean it. who could? you're praying to the air...

i don't know what got me to kanakuk... probably all the ranting and raving of my cousins that were avid kampers, but i know that it had nothing to do with the "christian" part, and everything to do with the "athletic" part. however. in those short 2 weeks. God broke me down. see. kanakuk is this place where, there aren't any masks. it doesn't matter how stubborn you are about keeping it, they get destroyed within one week. kamp was the first place i told anyone about me. not the me i wanted people to know. but the true me. everything.

later in the second week, i chose to get baptized. yeah yeah yeah. touchy subject. whatever. i am FOREVER grateful to my parents that they left it up to me to choose when that was going to happen. it was huge. they weren't there for it. no one from back home was. no one knew that was going to happen. i had gone there for sports after all... i remember my counselor (the one i had gotten the most close with. i called her "booty" due to the large plastic boot she had to wear) asking me if i was sure that my parents would be okay with it. but. it was then that i realized that. that doesn't matter. this is my faith. MY faith. not theirs. it had been theirs. and my schools. and my friends. i knew the answers. i knew what to say... but i firmly believe that every person will have a trial (or many) in their life that puts their faith on the chopping block. you own up to it, or you walk. if it's not yours. you walk. you have no reason to stay because you don't believe it. it had been everyone elses faith, but my own. so when the storms came, i dissolved. but now, this was my public commitment that my faith was my own. i decided to take the leap of faith (thank you kanakuk for such an awesome theme for the summer. haha)

kanakuk again impacted my life in college. that's right. kanakomo kounselor... gah. i wanted that job SO badly. more than anything. literally. if given the choice of backpacking in europe or being a k-2 kounselor. i know which one i would have picked. now. the 3 terms i have worked have taught me more than i could EVER put in a blog. EVER. but. it has made me the "not a girl, not yet a woman" that i am today haha. i will do my best at summarizing for y'all though the learnings that come to my head first. cause again. this blog has gotten LONG... geez.

staff training, '08 :: new things can be scary, but jump in with both feet, He's got you :: become a warrior for hearts. do not be satisfied with knowing the surface level ::

summer '08, term 3 :: let it go. if you try to do it by yourself. you will fail. only with God can we do anything :: being yourself, and being vulnerable, though dangerous, is always best :: once you take the focus off of yourself, and fall into His arms out of pure exhaustion (i.e. day 15), is where you will find your energy, grace, and peace ::

staff training, '09 :: God uses the broken vessels. don't be afraid to share your cracks and chips. no one is perfect ::

summer '09, term 1 :: was tough. i had had such an incredible 1st year that it was nearly impossible not to compare this term to the 3rd term. so. k-flex = kanakuk flexibility. things change. now enthusiastically adapt. haha :: every term God reestablishes this in my heart, everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING!? chea. everything. all those crappy experiences and memories? there's a reason. every single kamper in your kabin and every person you come in contact with each and every day? yeuh, there for a reason. God put them there in your life for a reason... and i will never get over it

summer '09, term 3 :: it's a new day. every experience is different. stop comparing :: God provides. phew. that was a biggie. i HATED having to send my beloved kampy mckamperson's home with the swine flu! i felt so helpless and useless. how can i touch them if they're not here? then on top of that, how can i reach them when i am sent home with swine oh-nine? why would You do that? God, don't you know, my favorite place on earth is that kamp. and then to come back to a kabin with only 4 girls? and i was technically no longer their kounselor? rough. but. God kept telling me. I provide. I will provide. there is a reason!

staff training '10 :: sadly non-existent. i would have given almost anything to be there. but. i did learn alot about God's provision. when that avalanche breaks the glass and comes crashing down on you, He has you. even in the midst of all the confusion and frustration, He is still providing :: therefore, consider it all rubbish for the sake of knowing Him.

summer '10, term 3 :: yet to be discovered. but i cannot wait... seriously. i cannot wait...

who wants to go costume shopping with me? haha

Sunday, June 13, 2010

:: untitled 4 ::

wow. it has DEFINITELY been a while since i posted on here.
i think i got nervous because i found out that i can see how many times my page has been opened, and well, i was actually expecting something in the teens, only because of a few people that have talked to me about posts or whatnot... so, i knew that people were reading, but satan kind of put in my head that i didn't have anything important to share. or that by sharing something, i would be offending people... or whatever... dumb.dumb.dumb. but. i know that God uses his broken vessels :: lucky for me, that's what i am!

maybe we can have a little catch-me-up in kim's life since the last post or something. but i don't really feel like writing paragraphs, cause, looking at my other posts, my gosh. if i ever wondered if i was wordy, i will wonder no more. if i opened up this blog and saw these huge novels that this crazy person had written, i would just exit right then and there. haha. for real though. if any of y'all actually read through those. you automatically get 5 brownie points, cause i don't think i would have the attention span.

lets see. since i've been home... i realized that i'm very stubborn. i kind of had a relational break down with my parents (last week i think?) where they were so frustrated that i had disappointed them (which, p.s. i would much rather have someone enraged at me than disappointed). basically, my mom kept offering her help to me for like everything, but i took her offers as "kim, you are incapable, therefore, as a 21-year-old, you still need to rely on me"... i was wrong. turns out i do still need help. it was humbling to admit, but, again, as much as i want to be independent, i saw how much my parents, specifically my mom does, and wants to do, to help me. because she doesn't want to see me fail... so. i've been working on embracing rather than rejecting.

i learned that i am much lazier than i thought i was. haha. kinda funny to read, but not so funny after i realize the implications of the laziness... i mean. i always thought i was much more motivated than this. but this summer it's just so tempting to just sit back and enjoy the sun (or the unusually large amounts of thunderstorms KC has been having)

back to the stubbornness thing... i was dead set that RiverTree, my church up in lincoln, NE was the best thing ever. and so whenever i would come home, i hated sundays cause i wouldn't know where to go to church... cause, i just didn't want to go to my parents church cause, it was my parents church. and whenever i went i just felt very critical. well. my heart's been opened and its pretty much just as, if not better than RT (though not in the worship department, RT has got that down pat!)... so. i encourage y'all, if you have made it this far, to follow these sermons on their site... for sure the ones entitled "breaking free, staying free" and "faith is chutzpah" and whatever one is posted from today's sermon... do it. do it i dare you. (p.s. if anyone from the leadership development class is reading this, you'll especially love the sermon from today :: POAB, baby! haha)

here i go again. writing long paragraphs when i promised y'all short ones... maybe its just not in my nature. i tried. really i did. but i just do stream of conscientiousness haha

ive realized :: that watching scary movies alone at night, even if "you're not paying attention cause you're working on art, and its just on for background noise" is a terrible idea, and they are just as scary. and i am still very easily scared.
:: friendships are not disposable. they may not be the easiest thing. but God hasn't call us to live an easy and comfortable life
:: that the kimcam, regardless of how much i love her, always seems to be rebelling against me
:: that i miss tennis... actually. i miss physical activity. who would have EVER thought that i would actually miss coach harms' morning conditionings or weight liftings?
:: sometimes a long drive is just what you need
:: photography outings are fun, but sometimes film cameras can disappoint. i will always appreciate film, but i will always understand why people prefer digital.
:: i am capable of breaking hearts and hurting people. and i hate that.
:: whenever i hear a song that i love, i usually apply it to myself or people or moments. haha if you're looking for specific examples, just ask, i don't feel like making another list. haha
:: that i get nervous which usually makes me run
:: that i don't know anything about baseball
:: i really hate doing laundry
:: that sometimes its really hard not to push someone else's buttons, but self control is something that must be learned.
:: i make messes way too easily, but am getting better about cleaning them up. kind of.
:: that if i want something done, i should do it now rather than waiting, cause otherwise, it just won't happen
:: i stink at mailing things to people, and writing letters... i think i'm compositionally impaired haha
:: that trust and confidence are very hard to gain once its lost, and forgiveness is hard to give -- this isn't always true, and the only way to reverse it is to have your sights set on Christ

i don't really feel like there was a specific point to this post... probably cause i was distracted while writing it (any one surprised? didnt think so.) but hey, that's why i leave things untitled, right?!... well. i'm going to try to get better at writing in here. once a week is my goal. but, keep your fingers crossed...

"in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. these have some so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" :: 1 peter:1:6-7 ::