Friday, May 28, 2010

:: untitled 3 ::

:: answer me this ::
why do we act like we are a prisoner of our past and who we once were?
that we are in chains.
forever enslaved to our temptations and sins.
isn't that what Jesus died for?

i mean. i would say it's just me that believes this. but. i know that its not.
the very beginning of that video is a john piper quote from his series on Romans 8:10-17 called, "How to Kill Sin". you can read or listen to on that link... it is a sermon, so it's not short. but. i challenge you to spend the time to listen to it. i promise, it will not disappoint. just a forewarning. most of the rest of this post is portions from that sermon...

Romans 8:10-17
"If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh - for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him."

Jesus said in Matthew 11:12
"From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force." Do you want to enter the kingdom of heaven? Take it violently! But violence against whom - or against what? Listen to Jesus' answer: "If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire" (Matthew 18:8). Do you want to enter life? Take it violently. Cut off your hand or your foot if you must to keep from stumbling. It's a picture of the most radical kind of assault on our own sin. Not the sins of others - our sins.

Lay that on top of Romans 8:13, "If by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live." Do you want to enter into life? Do you want to live? Get violent. Get a wartime mindset. Stop making peace with ears and eyes and tongues and hands and feet that betray you like Judas, and go over to the side of the enemy and become instruments of sin and make war on your soul. Put to death the deeds of your body.

there is a mean streak to authentic self-control. self-control is not for the timid. when we want to grow in it, not only do we nurture an exuberance for Jesus Christ, we also demand of ourselves a hatred for sin. the only possible attitude toward out-of-control desire is a declaration of all-out war. there is something about war that sharpens the senses. you hear a twig snap or the rustling of leaves and you are in attack mode. someone coughs and you are ready to pull the trigger. even after days of little or no sleep, war keeps us vigilant.

There is a mean, violent streak in the true Christian life! But violence against whom, or what? Not other people. It's a violence against all the impulses in us that would be violent to other people. It's a violence against all the impulses in our own selves that would make peace with our own sin and settle in with a peacetime mentality. It's a violence against all lust in ourselves, and enslaving desires for food or caffeine or sugar or chocolate or alcohol or pornography or money or the praise of men and the approval of others or power or fame. It's violence against the impulses in our own soul toward racism and sluggish indifference to injustice and poverty and abortion.

just consider this something to think about for you memorial day... a holiday that we celebrate, as a country, to honor and remember those who have and are serving our country... i challenge you to listen to that sermon sometime this extended weekend, or while you're sitting in your office, or hanging out by the pool, download it and put it on the ipod. because just as we are to be remembering those who have fought and died, consider the casualties we are called to make as Christians. are you willing to make them? do you have self control? i think it is about time we stop kidding ourselves that there is no war going on inside of each of our hearts. which side will you battle for?
do not forget :: Christianity is not a settle-in-and-live-at-peace-with-this-world-the-way-it-is kind of religion.

:: MAKE WAR ::

:: untitled 2 ::

i think blogging is going to be harder than i thought it was going to be originally... i feel like i have to have something profound to say (which would explain 4 drafts of blogs that are just hanging out right now waiting to be finished... haha) anywho. this time around, i definitely don't have any crazy insights for y'all... but. perhaps a little entertainment?

right now i am supposed to be "cleaning my room". anyone who knows me knows that i hate cleaning. basically everything about it. it is nice when something is clean... i can appreciate it. but. i just can never maintain it. that and packing/unpacking are some of my least favorite things... well, i have been "working" on both of these things since i've returned from cornhuskerville, and been pretty unsuccessful at them both. i just have had no desire. haha until my dad came in last night and said that he and my mom were going to take away my "entertainment" (aka - phone, itouch, mac) if i didn't get it done today... which is of course why i am working on my room so hard right now... yeuhhh. haha

anywho. so. while i was at college my mom decided it'd be awesome to take all the stuff in my room and throw it in my closet. everything from the dressers, shoes, basically stuff i had left at home. talking on the phone with her one day she was like, "when you come home, you need to clean up your closet, it is a PIT!" i remember telling her that it wasn't a pit, then she said you'll understand when you get home... welp. i understand now. haha. but. this does give me the opportunity to go through all my old stuff. so, since i am so determined to get my room all cleaned and finish unpacking, i start looking through a box of cards and letters i have gotten while at kamp or school. because, i mean, don't ALL messes start with disorganized letters? haha yeeeuh.

anywho. this is when my day took a turn for the AWESOME. not only did i find sappy (really, really, really mushy, sappy, cheesy, i-was-literally-rolling-on-the-floor-laughing) letters from an ex and those awesome singing cards, but i also found a birthday card with $20 in it, and a halloween card with $10. most excellent! i have a completely different outlook on cleaning my room now. its all about a scavenger hunt for money that i have misplaced... which. once i find it. i may hide it again so it can make my day later... cause everyone enjoys finding a few bucks in those jeans you rarely wear, right?!

after i call katie, who is also "cleaning" her room, to exclaim my excitement, i got another phone call. this one i was a little nervous about because i knew it was regarding some issues i have been having with my professor/advisor with the area of art that i am concentrating in. no need to really get into the dirty details, but basically, he is the sole reason that would transfer, so we've been "communicating" back and forth (more on the forth, and less on the back) about how we can resolve our communication errors (i see them, he doesn't, which creates another communication error about the communication errors... confusing) but basically. this phone call just helped me make SERIOUS headway with the whole situation. i mean, what's better than the school having actual documentation of his lack of communication? other than the incomplete (or retake of the class) that i am hoping to get -- nothing. haha

anyway. since i am having writers... or blogger's block (say that out loud. its kinda fun the way it rolls off the tongue haha) i figured maybe this would get me over the "3rd post hump"... haha or maybe i'm just not much of a blogger? time will tell friends. time will tell.

and just something i forgot to add on to the last post... i had no intention of that being a sob story. in my opinion. weakness is good. God uses the broken vessels.

2 Corinthians 12:9-12 :: "but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when i am weak, then i am strong."

Monday, May 24, 2010

:: untitled 1 ::

if i have learned one thing this past semester it is that i don't like admitting weakness.

maybe it is because i am so independent, or... actually, i am pretty sure it is because i want to be independent so badly that depending on anyone, for me, feels like admitting inadequacy. regardless. it is something that i rarely do :: with the exception of this last semester, although it may take until right now to finally admit it.

it all started with the injury to my knee. before that, everything was going so well... i don't think that i will ever forget that feeling of pushing off my left foot and excruciating pain rush through my leg, but even worse than that was the fear that set in, "oh my gosh. five months of morning conditionings and hard work. ruined." after trying to hit one or two more shots. i knew something wasn't right. sitting out of that practice, especially because it was one of our first times getting to hit our new indoor facility, was killin' me.

i remember talking to my roommate later that night. i remained stubborn, as always, saying that nothing was wrong, and refusing any help that she offered my way, insisting that i wasn't going to go to the doctor because he would tell me that i've injured my knee and can't play. i figured, i could beat the system with the thought process that if i can still tolerate the pain, then i can keep playing, because even if it injures it more, i've already hurt it, and was already supposed to stop, so, its not like it could really get worse.

i continued that thought process through the rest of february, until i got home for the summer. the doctor even gave me approval for the thought process because after all the xrays and the MRI and doctor visits, there was no diagnosis. at least, no definative one. so, i played the whole season on it. blocking out the pain. pushing it down. all the while, resenting my stupid brace. the dumb thing was a constant reminder that i had a serious weakness. i would convince myself before walking out onto the court before a match that although my opponent may look at me and say "weak" i will use that against them. because i am not. i will prove them wrong. there is nothing the matter. i felt like every moment i wore that brace i was screaming that i was inadequate. i couldn't take the heat.

it may sound stupid. looking back, i wish that i'd never let that thought come into my mind :: i am weak.

yesterday made it very clear. i am weak. this past week of being at home made it very clear. i am weak. i am not independent. i am in need...

has there ever been a seaon of your life where everything just snowballs? but. you chose to ignore that it was snowballing. so this huge avalanche is piling up on this glass ceiling that you're standing under. you're watching it all come down but it's not touching you. so you just stand and watch... in hindsight, you realize what you should have been doing was running out from under that glass. its not safe. it can't hold much longer... but there is just SO MUCH snow! its amazing that the glass just isn't breakin-- and then that last ball of snow hits the lands on the avalanche.. and it crashes down all at once on top of you.

i am underneath that pile of snow and glass. i look back at this past semester and it is amazing to me how much my knee injury affected everything i was involved in. i became so obsessed with convincing myself that nothing was wrong. i was untouchable. sure. other people have problems with professors. but not me. sure, other people have issues with grades. but not me. sure, other people transfer schools. but that would never be me. other people have drama in their relationships or confusion in their emotions towards people. but not me.

but here i am. before i came home, i was in awe of all the things that had gone wrong this past semester. but, for some reason that was unknown to me, none of them could touch me. i just sat there looking at it all pile up in amazement. through this past week i have watched the glass crack. water slowly drip in. but this time. i was too scared to move. i knew what was coming. and then BOOM! yesterday. just about to get into bed. took one step without that stupid brace on. and i felt like my knee was about to give out in both directions at one time. i didn't think the pain could get worse. i didn't think the glass would actually break.

i stayed up last night in insane pain until 6am. i couldn't sleep. it wasn't just the knee though. sure that added to it. but EVERYTHING. i knew the ceiling was leaking. i had gotten soaked to the bone with all the drips warning me. as much as i would like to think running would have saved me... i know it wouldn't have. i've been crippled. but i do wonder what would have happened if i would have admitted inadequacy before now. i am reliant. i am in need. i chose to shut it all down so i wouldn't have to feel it, but, i had to know that it would all come back, right?

admitting that i am weak is hard. i feel like its the admittance that i will let you down. i will fail. i will not achieve. i am not the best. i am no where near that. what i want to be is not what i am. i will let you down. which. as much as i dispise saying that, it is the truth. i know i am not perfect. i am inadequate. i am in need.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

give it a name :: choosing a title

here's the deal. i am indecisive. anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that. when faced with a decision, although i would like to have a say in it, i always prefer someone else make it. there basically is no exception to this kim-ism.

this blog asks me to title it. but i can't do that... i don't even know what i'm going to say. i mean, i only made this so that my friend could have someone following her (which then i found out i could do from just my google account...) how could i give a page a title when i haven't even written anything yet? that's like titling a piece of my art without having drawn anything yet...

although. come to think of it. most of my art i do leave as "untitled". i know that it isn't the best thing to do, but, i know how much power a title has over something. maybe i do not want to inform the viewer about anything in my art. maybe i want them to feel a little aimless. not necessarily know how to approach the piece, or know what is important about it... many things i create, it does not matter to me if they are read into or not. it can be as superficial or as deep as you want.

although leaving something as "untitled" is actually titling it - technically... i like to think that it leaves the possibilities open. there is more room to explore - both for the creator, and for the viewer... that said. i have no idea what this blog will contain. probably randomness. probably some of my heart. but definitely all a part of me ::to be read at surface level or something deeper :: that is your call. i just hate the idea of boxing myself in with a title before i have even begun. too much pressure. uhg.