Monday, August 16, 2010

:: untitled 6 ::

back from kamp.

totally bittersweet.

i love :: the pictures, how everything reminds me of a kanakuk story, that wiffle is mispelled in the beloved "wHiffle" cheer, that i wear what i wear at kamp year round, that tiedye is cool again (because i have a ton of it now haha), that make-up and "getting ready" have become an after thought, giving a "frontal" hug makes me think twice, my renewed appreciation for air conditioning, randomly breaking out in cheers while walking around, K-WILD (and the mudd), the pitchy national anthem sang at flag, soapies, dancing like no one's watching aka. ugly dancing aka. my normal dancing, getting out of the shower and no immediately being drenched with sweat, etc, etc, etc...

i miss :: being at kamp, my kokomo, all my kampy mckampersons (1st, 2nd, and 3rd generations), always being on the lookout for the scraper game, kankuk peer pressure, shaving parties, k-rated-ness, BLUEBERRY FLUFF, replacing every "c" with the letter "k", the nurses thinking i am a kamper (despite the obvious watch i am waving in their face haha), backwoods cheers, my answer to all the typical questions (what time is it) "time for you to get a watch! but you can't! cause you're a camper! OHH!", "socks and tennis shoes", "yes, you have to go to social", or the never fail "uhh...idunno...", FOB, being cool because of being weird, kamper watching during social, porch talks, scheduled quiet times, fellowshipping with the staff, calling red kool-aid "red juice" and purple gatorade "purple drink", all the other traditions and memories...

i'm excited for :: seeing my friends, holding and being held accountable, the ways God used and is using and will use me this year, His plans for me, creating art again, being a leader on the tennis team and in the art department, investing in the lives around me, and sooo much more...

but here's the catch. kanakuk was my oasis. correction :: kanakuk IS my oasis.

it's my happy la-la-land where i don't have to put up with all the everything back home and up at school that flies around my life like oversized hummingbirds hopped up on steroids and over the drinking limit. there is just so much craziness in the real world. i feel like i can't keep up with it all. and as soon as i take my eye off one thing my life/hummingbird, it just knocks something over. sometimes creating a domino effect (i.e. my last year).

whenever i took a time off from kamp, it was always a little bittersweet. i enjoyed being able to keep in contact with the outside world, but i would always find that some little hummingbirds were running amuck and reeking havoc. so coming home was like got bombarded. from the moment i walked in the door, most things were right where i had left them (unorganized and unfinished), others completed, but then some that i originally had completed or that
had been unaccounted popped up out of nowhere. right when i had forgotten about all the stuff that is going on, God would give me a slap in the face reminder to wake me up to the real world...

which leads me to a new insight :: as much as i tell myself and others that change does not scare/bother me. it does :: as confident and brave and independent i want to be and act like i am. God always finds a way to bring me back to my knees, relying on Him :: as much as i think i have a handle on things. i don't... i am not big enough. i can't control it all. i can try my darnest, but, in the end, those stupid little hummingbirds are going to escape my grip and create chaos. so. rather than running from it. or pretending its not there. i can face it head on. finding my strength in Him. finding my security in Him. finding my satisfaction, affirmation, desire, trust all in Him.

it's really easy to tell people to do that. but when you're faced with adversity in your own life, it feels like a whole other story (when it really isn't). last summer when i was leaving kamp, i remember calling up my roommate and telling her how God taught me so much about his provision. to not freak out. He's got me. He's in control. don't worry... i remember telling her how i was anxious about that because i just had this feeling deep in my gut that something huge was going to happen... for the past 6 months i've thought it came down to the struggle with my knee, friends, transferring scare, professor and parents issue.

but. i guess here is where i humble myself and ask for prayer. because. that feeling in my heart is still there. and as much as i want to play it off as being nervous. i think anxious or fearful are more accurate. and as much as i know about what God says about both of those emotions, and to trust in Him alone, i find Him having to pull me along as i drag my heels. so. i don't really know who all is reading this, but if you would keep my family and i in your prayers, i would very much appreciate it. there will be more details to come, but right now alot of stuff is just up in the air. and until it is all resolved according to His will.

:: God is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. therefore [i] will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
:: there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. the LORD Almighty is with [me]; the God of Jacob is [my] fortress.
:: come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought to the earth. he makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
:: "be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, i will be exalted in the earth." the LORD Almighty is with [me]; the God of Jacob is [my] fortress
:: psalm 46 ::