if i have learned one thing this past semester it is that i don't like admitting weakness.
maybe it is because i am so independent, or... actually, i am pretty sure it is because i want to be independent so badly that depending on anyone, for me, feels like admitting inadequacy. regardless. it is something that i rarely do :: with the exception of this last semester, although it may take until right now to finally admit it.
it all started with the injury to my knee. before that, everything was going so well... i don't think that i will ever forget that feeling of pushing off my left foot and excruciating pain rush through my leg, but even worse than that was the fear that set in, "oh my gosh. five months of morning conditionings and hard work. ruined." after trying to hit one or two more shots. i knew something wasn't right. sitting out of that practice, especially because it was one of our first times getting to hit our new indoor facility, was killin' me.
i remember talking to my roommate later that night. i remained stubborn, as always, saying that nothing was wrong, and refusing any help that she offered my way, insisting that i wasn't going to go to the doctor because he would tell me that i've injured my knee and can't play. i figured, i could beat the system with the thought process that if i can still tolerate the pain, then i can keep playing, because even if it injures it more, i've already hurt it, and was already supposed to stop, so, its not like it could really get worse.
i continued that thought process through the rest of february, until i got home for the summer. the doctor even gave me approval for the thought process because after all the xrays and the MRI and doctor visits, there was no diagnosis. at least, no definative one. so, i played the whole season on it. blocking out the pain. pushing it down. all the while, resenting my stupid brace. the dumb thing was a constant reminder that i had a serious weakness. i would convince myself before walking out onto the court before a match that although my opponent may look at me and say "weak" i will use that against them. because i am not. i will prove them wrong. there is nothing the matter. i felt like every moment i wore that brace i was screaming that i was inadequate. i couldn't take the heat.
it may sound stupid. looking back, i wish that i'd never let that thought come into my mind :: i am weak.
yesterday made it very clear. i am weak. this past week of being at home made it very clear. i am weak. i am not independent. i am in need...
has there ever been a seaon of your life where everything just snowballs? but. you chose to ignore that it was snowballing. so this huge avalanche is piling up on this glass ceiling that you're standing under. you're watching it all come down but it's not touching you. so you just stand and watch... in hindsight, you realize what you should have been doing was running out from under that glass. its not safe. it can't hold much longer... but there is just SO MUCH snow! its amazing that the glass just isn't breakin-- and then that last ball of snow hits the lands on the avalanche.. and it crashes down all at once on top of you.
i am underneath that pile of snow and glass. i look back at this past semester and it is amazing to me how much my knee injury affected everything i was involved in. i became so obsessed with convincing myself that nothing was wrong. i was untouchable. sure. other people have problems with professors. but not me. sure, other people have issues with grades. but not me. sure, other people transfer schools. but that would never be me. other people have drama in their relationships or confusion in their emotions towards people. but not me.
but here i am. before i came home, i was in awe of all the things that had gone wrong this past semester. but, for some reason that was unknown to me, none of them could touch me. i just sat there looking at it all pile up in amazement. through this past week i have watched the glass crack. water slowly drip in. but this time. i was too scared to move. i knew what was coming. and then BOOM! yesterday. just about to get into bed. took one step without that stupid brace on. and i felt like my knee was about to give out in both directions at one time. i didn't think the pain could get worse. i didn't think the glass would actually break.
i stayed up last night in insane pain until 6am. i couldn't sleep. it wasn't just the knee though. sure that added to it. but EVERYTHING. i knew the ceiling was leaking. i had gotten soaked to the bone with all the drips warning me. as much as i would like to think running would have saved me... i know it wouldn't have. i've been crippled. but i do wonder what would have happened if i would have admitted inadequacy before now. i am reliant. i am in need. i chose to shut it all down so i wouldn't have to feel it, but, i had to know that it would all come back, right?
admitting that i am weak is hard. i feel like its the admittance that i will let you down. i will fail. i will not achieve. i am not the best. i am no where near that. what i want to be is not what i am. i will let you down. which. as much as i dispise saying that, it is the truth. i know i am not perfect. i am inadequate. i am in need.